Parenting your Teen: Riding the Emotional Rollercoaster
What kind of a person do you picture when you think of a coach? Who have been the most impactful coaches in your life? There are many qualities that go into making a great coach.
Part of parenting is coaching. We coach our children everyday! Being an Emotion Coach for our children through their childhood and adolescence has a lifelong impact.
This goes deeper than just “be happy/kind/nice”, “good vibes only”, “you’ll be fine”, “get over it”….
It starts with knowing WHAT feeling you’re feeling. That might sound ridiculous, but if you don’t know the difference between feeling sad, lonely, and disappointed, what you think and what you do won’t help you feel better. Just like coaching, if you don’t know the different positions on a team or what different plays mean, it will be reflected in your win-loss record.
You have to know how to tolerate and manage your feelings. What are you modeling to your child by how you tolerate your emotions? How are you coaching them to tolerate their feelings? Do you blow up? Shut down? Avoid? Even our child’s emotions can trigger us and create our own emotional response.
You don’t have to be perfect or have all your ducks in a row to show up for your child in a way that makes it safe to feel feelings and talk about feelings.
Building and maintaining love and trust in your relationship with your child involves really listening to them and knowing how to speak to them.
Here’s a playbook for coaching your child when emotions are involved:
Hear their feelings, even if you don’t agree with the details
Try to understand their world from their perspective, not your own
Ask open-ended questions
Ask questions that deepen your understanding of their needs
Avoid criticism, judgment, defensiveness
Avoid minimizing their feelings
Don’t take responsibility for their feelings or try to make them feel better right away
Summarize and reflect back what you hear
Your task is to listen and ask questions
Do not argue for your point of view
Validate and communicate understanding and empathy (validation doesn’t mean you agree, but that you understand a part of their experience)
A big part of coaching is witnessing and being present so your child knows they are part of a team and not alone.
Remember, raising children is no easy feat! Each age and stage is distinctly different. Each child is distinctly different! Pre-teen’s and teen’s brains are still under development (and continue developing until their mid-20s!). They aren’t always able to think rationally and can be a continuous glass case of emotions, leaving you thinking where did I go wrong, what did I say, when does this roller coaster end…
Know that you are doing your best! Put on your coach’s hat and lead your team to victory.
