Love Languages for the Whole Family

The Five Love Languages, first identified in Gary Chapman’s 1992 book of the same name, has permeated our cultural psyche. It’s generally used with couples to enhance communication and connection in romantic relationships. As adults, we’ve probably all taken an online quiz to assess the love language of our own and our partners. The idea behind the philosophy of love languages is that we all value different forms of expression and receive love in differing ways. I’ve, personally, found this concept fascinating and useful in my relationship with my husband.

Recently, however, we applied the love language quiz to the whole family as one of our evening family time activities and it was equally useful to extend this information to the kids. For reference, our family make-up includes 3 boys age 7, 10, and 11. We have two biological kids and one foster kiddo. Because it’s not a video game, I was super skeptical that my boys would engage with this material at all but we plowed ahead anyway. Much to my surprise they were super into it! I was also pleasantly surprised to listen to and witness all my kids being introspective and thoughtful about their own behaviors and preferences.

In a nutshell here are the Five Love Languages and some ideas on how to express each one:

1.     Words of affirmation

Sharing feelings, positive feedback, giving compliments, sharing positive thoughts

2.     Acts of service

Helping with chores, participating in tasks that benefit the child, doing a project together,

3.     Gifts

Surprise treats, giving a present, creating a handmade gift,  gifts as rewards

4.     Quality time

Participating in an activity that interests them, having one-on-one time, genuine conversation, being present

5.     Physical touch

Cuddling, holding hands, hugs, affectionate touching

Another HUGE surprise was learning that every single person in my family has a different love language. Whoa. Mind Blown. It was a super helpful exercise in reminding me that each of our kids has a distinct and differing preferences for connection that requires a range of approaches to filling their love buckets. My 10yr old values words of affirmation, the 7yr old feels special when he gets a gift, and the 11yr old feels the most loved when he gets quality time with an adult. When one of my kiddos is clearly on the struggle bus, we can take this information into consideration, assess whether we’ve communicated in their love language recently and rise to meet that need.

If you are interested in exploring the love languages of your family follow this link to find the quiz: Five love languages

And if you want to show me some love, do the damn dishes 