Giving the Gift of Acceptance
It’s the holiday season, and while many of us are looking forward to celebrating long lived traditions with family, others will simply choose not to be spending time with their loved ones this year.
Therapists frequently discuss how to deal with grief and loss around the holiday season since it is a tough time for many folks. It is yet another reminder that the people who have passed away cannot celebrate with us. Another milestone where memories are created without them present because their life has ended while ours continues to live on. It leaves us with aching holes in our hearts, unable to fully be present in the moments of celebration.
However, what frequently gets overlooked during this time of year is the family and friends who we no longer celebrate with due to arguments, estrangements, hurt feelings, and resentments. When we no longer get to see people we love during times of happiness, because our hearts are heavy with anger and despair.
While simply suggesting that we put all of our anger aside and calling it “water under the bridge” just to celebrate a holiday isn’t reasonable, it is wise to start by reflecting on the entire situation and working toward acceptance. Not only will this promote healing, but could also lead to eventual resolution. Accepting that while someone you love said something out of anger, or behaved in a way that you found to be unacceptable, remind yourself that they are in control of themselves, just as you are of you and your actions. Looking at actions rather than feelings, on both sides, helps to see things more clearly.
It may help to think of it as if someone is using a camera, and suddenly zooms out on the scenario at hand. What would the camera capture in the scenario that you find unacceptable? Would it capture disrespect, aggressive body language, theft, or conspiracy? Maybe it would also capture things such as job loss, substance use, death of a loved one, untreated mental health or divorce. Humans are human after all, and while we want to assume that we know our family better than anyone, sometimes they too are having a hard time coping with what they have going on in their lives.
Once you remove your own feelings and possible assumptions from the situation at hand, it is easier to have empathy for the person or people that you at one time called your family or friends. Obviously, you doing your own work and reflection is totally separate from anything your loved one is doing. They will work through it in their own time, and hopefully a conversation can take place where both of you feel heard, valued and accepted.
But until then, we mourn the loss of those who cannot, or choose not, to be with us this holiday season. May we look forward to a time when we can share our peace with each other once again.
