Why Do Men Hurt Women?
October is Domestic Violence awareness month. I sat down to write this blog armed with all the depressing statistics about how 1 in 4 women will be a victim of physical violence by an intimate partner, 20 women per minute are physically abused by an intimate partner in the US, or this doozy: 44 % of female homicides are perpetrated by a current or ex intimate partner and that percentage raises to 55% if you include the bystanders that were also killed in the incident - kids, family members, neighbors.
While domestic violence and sexual assault cuts across all races, classes and sexual identities, for women of color or women of low socio economic status the existence of partner violence is more prevalent. These oppressed populations of women are less likely to reach out for help and their stories are less likely to be “seen” or acknowledged by anyone. The stakes are higher, the violence more intense, and the consequences are disabling.
I guess I’ve been thinking about the bleak reality of these statistics a little more lately in light of the inescapable recent news headlines reporting on the homicide of Gabby Petito and the likely killer, her currently “missing” boyfriend on the run- Brian Laundrie. Whenever these high-profile domestic violence homicides capture our national attention there is an obligatory delve into the victim and perpetrators’ life together. The familiar cycle of victim blaming inevitably surfaces again and again. I stopped counting how many comments I’ve read that suggest Gabby must have been at least partially to blame, that she appeared to be the “crazy” one, or that what happened must of have been some sort of unfortunate accident. It’s a maddening cycle for anyone familiar with power and control issues, and the subtle and not so subtle tools that abusers use to intimidate, degrade, and control their partners. As other survivors have noted, Gabby’s story is far too familiar and seemingly fits a well-worn pattern of partner violence. So why are these statistics so alarming and persistent? Why is domestic violence so pervasive in our culture? Why did Gabby’s story in particular make national headlines? Jackson Katz, co-founder of MVP strategies (mentors in violence prevention), argues that part of the reason domestic violence remains such a complex issue is because we’ve completely erased men from the equation.
Katz, a former football star, a TED-Talk speaker and an outspoken voice in the pro-feminist men’s movement puts it this way:
“We talk about how many women were raped last year, not about how many men raped women. We talk about how many girls in the school district were harassed last year, not about how many boys harassed girls. We talk about how many teenage girls got pregnant in the state of Vermont last year, not how many men and teenage boys got girls pregnant. So you can see how the use of this passive voice has a political effect. It shifts the focus off of men and boys and onto girls and women. Even the term violence against women is problematic. It’s a passive construction. There is no active agent in the sentence. It’s a bad thing that happens to women, but when you look at that term violence against women, nobody is doing it to them. It just happens. Men aren’t even a part of it!”
Katz is one of many outspoken advocates who is trying to change the focus of domestic violence as a women’s issue to the more appropriate target: Men. We cannot stop domestic violence if we don’t focus on the culture in which this violence exists. The truth is that abusers are not horrible monsters that drop out of thin air to hurt women. They are our fathers, brothers, sons, uncles, and friends. They can be charming, nice, kind, funny, and sweet. They can also be controlling, possessive, self-centered, manipulative and violent. Abusers’ power and control issues are not created in a vacuum. Abusive men are the product of an entire culture that tolerates and promotes toxic male ideals. If we want to stop domestic violence and the damage it perpetuates for men, women and children, we have to examine male culture and address the messages that boys receive about their gender. Masculinity, in and of itself, is not toxic but there are some traditional notions of what it means to be a “real” man that are perpetuated in media, movies, sports, relationships and in education. Ideas like boys are naturally more violent, competitive or that they shouldn’t express a full range of feelings (crying is for girls, etc). Like all complicated social issues, there are many systemic changes that have to happen to fully address the intersecting issues. However ironic this sounds, we can’t end or decrease domestic violence without men taking a leadership role in this fight. Men have to learn to see themselves in this issue. We need our fathers, brothers, uncles, and friends to engage other men and boys in dismantling the inequality which allows for the perpetuation of violence in all its’ insidious forms. Dismantling the structures of power is not just for the sake of women and girls, but for everyone. We all benefit from freeing ourselves from outdated modes of the gender binary that places male traits on one side and female traits on another.
As a mom of two male children, I hope they will always be able to cry when they’re sad, hurt or disappointed, solve problems without physically fighting, root for other people, share power and resources, associate kindness with strength, be protective without being controlling, express love without being possessive. I want them to experience the full range of human experiences without feeling pressure to “be” a certain way prescribed by their sex. I also know that no matter how I raise them or what values I try to instill they will absorb messages from their social environments. This was recently evidenced by my youngest son’s refusal to drink out of a pink unicorn laden water bottle at his soccer practice the other day despite me and his father’s many attempts at de-stigmatizing the color pink. Boys will learn what it means to be a “man” by watching how their dad, their peers and all the other men in their lives talk about and treat the women around them. That means men have to hold other men in their lives accountable for their actions. Violence occurs on a spectrum as well. A man doesn’t need to physically harm a women to undermine her humanity. He can enact all kinds of abuses of power- from the misogynistic jokes he tells, dismissal of her concerns and feelings, to subtle threats, to total financial control. I count myself lucky that my husband understands and actively wrestles with these issues, too. My partner and I regularly engage in difficult conversations about male privilege and how oppressive gender expectations have shown up and continue to show up in both our lives.
My challenge for you for this month of domestic violence awareness is to think about the underlying messages about gender that are being perpetuated in your own house. How do you respond to messages about specific traits or behaviors being assigned to one sex or the other? Do you have regular conversations about gender expression? Are you and your partner on the same page about it? Does your partner get defensive when you try to address sexism or imbalances of power? Do you ignore, dismiss or minimize sexist assertions and comments? Are you feeling defensive right now? Why? Do you have supportive people in your life who share your values about gender equality? How do you solve problems in your relationships? Do you feel safe enough to have these discussions with the important people in your life? If you can’t feel safe at home, where do you feel safe?
If you or someone you love is currently involved in a domestic violence relationship, there is free and confidential help. SafePath at Family Resources offers counseling, support groups, financial resources, shelter, a 24hr crisis hotline and a myriad of supports for families struggling with domestic violence. Davenport: 563-468-2310 or Contact the 24 Hour Crisis Lines for an emergency: IA: 866-921-3354 or IL: 309-797-1777
Resources:
Jackson Katz TED talk (this youtube video will rock your world) WATCH IT.
Kremer, Lisa (April 20, 2004). "Domestic violence expert says men must 'step up' to prevent abuse". The News Tribune. p. E01. Archived from the original on April 11, 2013.
Lin, Summer (October 16, 2017). “The man behind the powerful viral quote.” https://www.bustle.com/p/who-is-jackson-katz-the-man-behind-the-viral-sexual-assault-quote-has-a-powerful-message-for-all-men-2923649
Wayne State University Library System, (Last updated September 17, 2021) Power and Control Wheel https://guides.lib.wayne.edu/c.php?g=628707&p=4390891
