Cultivating intimacy while parenting
I always say that parenthood is the highest of highs and lowest of lows. The absolute joy that I feel cuddling my children or watching them accomplish a task they’ve worked so hard at; coupled with the tantrums, the refusals, the constant demand for attention (or is that just my kids?).
But this pales in comparison to the toll it can take on your relationship with your partner. There are still times I long for the days when I would come home from work on Friday and take a nap on the couch. Or when my husband and I would both leisurely work out, make dinner at whatever time we wanted and spend the rest of the evening casually chatting or watching a show until we felt tired and wanted to sleep.
My mother always told me how hard marriage is. I wasn’t raised to be naïve or think it would be easy but it’s hard to know that until you are IN it. And once you have children with someone, you are definitely IN. IT. There’s even a book called, “How Not to Hate Your Husband After You Have Kids,” by Jancee Dunn. Enough said.
After some very large bumps in the road and marriage counseling, I realized that it’s so important to prioritize your marriage because that is the foundation. And it’s easy to let some very large cracks form as time goes on. So how does one do that when you are exhausted and have tiny humans who need your love and attention? And when I say intimacy, I’m not just referring to sex. Although, that is important too (but maybe a different blog post??). Intimacy is when you feel emotionally connected to and cared for by your partner. I know there are times when I’ve worked all day, spent the whole evening caring for my kids and I just want to be ALONE. And that’s okay. But, it’s also important to occasionally take some of those evenings and spend some time together. (And yes, it takes some work).
So here are some things to try:
1. Do a devotion. This doesn’t have to be every night but aim for 1-2 times a week. This can just be where you pick a topic and discuss it. Whether that be part of your day, a childhood memory or something that is bothering you within your relationship. There is a wonderful app called Gottman Card Decks that has 14 different categories that will help guide this conversation. Perhaps you do this for 15 minutes and then go about doing your own thing, but I guarantee taking the time to do this will help you feel closer.
2. Our marriage therapist recommended a great book to us called, “The Couples Therapy Workbook” by Kathleen Mates-Youngman. I’m sure there is many similar workbooks out there just like it. This took a lot more work and energy but was well worth it in the end. I learned a lot of new things about my husband and he would say the same for me. Even after 10 years together! It also helped us reprioritize things in our marriage and discuss in depth some major issues.
3. Go on a date. Easy enough right? But seriously. The pandemic has not helped with marriage dates nights, that’s for sure! And babysitting is also an issue too (so for the sake of this, I’m just going to assume you have someone you can trust for a couple of hours). Maybe not dinner, but going for a walk, getting ice cream or coffee or getting a chance to do something you enjoyed doing together pre kids. And most importantly: don’t talk about your kids!! Well, maybe for a bit, but overall, it needs to be about just the two of you.
4. Once a week (or more you over achiever!) send your partner a sweet text message, a photo of what you are up to, a funny GIF or an inside joke. This takes only moments and will likely put a smile on both your faces for the remainder of the day.
5. If you live locally, check out the workshops Blue Tree (by Jillyn Kaufman) is offering for couples called, “Making Relationships Work,” that focuses solely on improving your relationship with your significant other.
Easy-peasy, right? Not really, but your relationship is worth fighting for. And so are you.
