Holiday burdens versus holiday traditions; making the most of your holiday with friends and family (stress-free)

“What do you mean we can’t go to grandmas house for Thanksgiving this year? We ALWAYS go to her house for Thanksgiving!”

“Don’t forget, we need to bake ALL of the neighbors cookies! We’ve done it EVERY year!”

“Ok guys, we have to find a time that works for ALL of us. It’s super important that ALL of the grandchildren open their gifts on Christmas morning together.”

“I’ve NEVER missed the blessing, I can’t believe that they won’t be here this year.”

“Always” and “never”, “all” and “ever”. The little words that are red flags for extreme thinking. While we have the best of intentions related to the holidays, we often overlook and maybe sometimes overstep some of our boundaries. 

Of course we have the best of intentions, and actually, having family and cultural traditions has shown to benefit child development as children naturally thrive on structure and routine. Families and friend groups love providing opportunities for memory making, especially during the holiday season. Baking, picking out gifts for others, creating a holiday menu together, decorating for your preferred holiday, and celebrating with loved ones are just some common holiday traditions that are overall low stress.

However, as we’ve done with so many other aspects of adulthood, we’ve unintentionally created this unintentional list of “must haves” and “have tos” even during a special time of year when we should be enjoying each other’s company and reflecting on our relationships. 

I have a secret for you… the world is not going to crumble if you don’t go look at Christmas lights the last Friday before Christmas just because you’ve done it every other year that same night. If your kid is sick, or otherwise unruly that day, just shoot for Saturday instead. The tradition here is holding your family captive to the same space and forcing interaction (kidding, of course). But seriously, it’s about time spent together.

Just like those of you who I’m sure are at the phase of life where your families are growing exponentially with babies and toddler nieces and nephews, cousins and grandbabies. However, when you have a growing family and those families now have to travel with all of those little ones for the holiday… oof. What started out as two little ones running under foot at the holiday is up to four babies, three toddlers and two pre teens. It’s amazing and special to have a big family where the house is as full as your hearts. But ask yourself if that’s the thing that is most important to you OR if it’s the day you celebrate. Rarely can you expect to have both. Maybe it’s easier for the young families to pack up the babies and spend the weekend rather than the actual holiday itself? The tradition here again is about time spent together.

Also, by holding on to previously held traditions, it prevents the opportunity from developing future traditions. Is it possible to insert some flexibility in the former family traditions to give you some wiggle room to create new ones that are important to you individually? For instance, maybe celebrating Christmas morning with your immediate family on Christmas Day and picking out another day to celebrate with extended family? Or possibly create a rotation between family members willing to host the holiday? Again, the tradition itself is about spending time together. Would you rather be visiting with family or cooking in the kitchen? Switch out a turkey tradition for take and bake pizza or enchiladas! Flexibility is key.

And for those who cannot be with us during the holidays due to distance, illness or death, traditions can still be created to honor and celebrate them. Zoom calls, phone calls, hand written letters, holiday cards, lighting a candle and/or setting a plate at the table can be creative and new tradition to begin this season. 

Ultimately, traditions worth having are ones where families are making memories together and where everyone is able to enjoy the celebrations and traditions. Stress is definitely one tradition to pass on this year. 

Wishing you all the happiest and healthiest of holidays from all of Blue Tree Counseling & Consultation.