Making Relationships Work: When Your Past Affects Your Present
Have you ever had a reaction to a situation that seemed more intense than the situation called for? Trauma and stressful life events, whether recent or long ago, affect you and your relationships. Evidence of your past trauma can weave through your present story. Persistent arguments in your relationship can be a signal that past events or traumas are the fuel to the conflicts you and your partner have over and over. If you or your partner have experienced trauma in your past, it can be challenging to navigate stress and conflict in the present.
Trauma creates what is called an “enduring vulnerability.” Enduring vulnerabilities can stem from early attachment wounds. An attachment wound can occur when a parent or caregiver in your childhood wasn’t a secure or safe base (physically or emotionally) for you. They may have minimized your emotions or didn’t create a safe space for you to feel your feelings, so now when your partner (or children) cries, tantrums, or shares tough emotions, you may have a strong reaction of anger, fear, or shame.
When you’re stressed, unconscious expectations and attachment wounds can become a source of unexpected emotional reactions putting you into protection (fight-flight-freeze-fawn) mode. This becomes a “trauma script” that can be projected onto your partner and relationship. This can lead to constant conflict (or over time, avoidance of conflict). When you’re in protection mode, it’s hard to respond rationally or connect with your partner.
To understand how your enduring vulnerabilities impact you, you need to recognize what your enduring vulnerabilities are. For example, you may feel scared when your partner pursues you during conflict due to your past experiences of being yelled at or abused, but when you try to walk away from the conflict your partner feels betrayed due to their past experiences of physical or emotional abandonment.
To further illustrate this, imagine you spent a few hours cleaning and organizing your house making everything look perfect, and when your partner comes home you expect them to be appreciative for all you’ve done. Or you expect to feel calm and in control, like everything is just right and no one can yell at you for leaving things undone.
Your script may be that you “should” have the house looking perfect. But the cleanliness doesn’t leave you feeling calm for long. Or your script may be that by doing these things around the house you would receive feedback and feel valued, but when your partner doesn’t say anything, you feel confused and unappreciated. Then in anger you decide you won’t go above and beyond again. But later that leads to you feeling anxious or fearful, believing that if you don’t do these things you could be abandoned or hurt, because you’re not good enough. Similar to what you might have felt if you grew up in a home with caregivers who were dismissive of your needs or emotions, you may be trying to avoid shame and the feeling of not being good enough.
But your partner can’t be in a relationship with a role or performance; they can’t connect to your defenses. For your partner to really connect with you, you can’t live a defensive life. Your defenses protected you in the past, but when there is no genuine threat now, they keep you from having true connection. When you understand each other’s stories, it increases your empathy and affects how you respond and care for each other.
The reactions and arguments that stem from your enduring vulnerabilities provide an opportunity for your relationship to grow closer as your partner understands more about you and your past.
If there has been a recent conflict, try putting the situation into context through self-awareness and self-reflection. Pay attention to your physiology, your thoughts, and your emotions. Ask yourself, what is this interaction reminding me of? What situations in my past may have set me up to feel this way? Your memories may help in uncovering why you responded so strongly to certain words or actions. Try to take responsibility for your emotions, not blaming your reaction on your partner.
Practice attuning to each other’s reality; like those optical illusions, two people can be looking at the same thing, but be seeing something completely different. When you and your partner are both calm, be sure to talk about your experience. Have conversations with your partner to talk about what would be supportive when one or both of you is experiencing an enduring vulnerability. This is not a time for criticism, defensiveness, or contempt. Be open to hearing your partner’s requests, and consider if you would be willing to support your partner in that way, such as by adjusting your approach when talking with them and avoiding known triggers related to that enduring vulnerability.
Ongoing, as you both continue to become more self-aware and supportive, confide in each other and share things like, “I’m struggling with feeling like I should have all the cleaning done.” When you are listening, offer empathy and understanding. As needed, ask open-ended questions to better understand your partner’s story. Help your partner calm their physiology (such as through deep breathing and muscle relaxation) and challenge unhelpful beliefs or scripts.
Understanding one another on a deeper level builds a stronger sense of connection and intimacy. Over time, as you become more aware of your real feelings and learn to accept them, you won’t feel such strong compulsions to follow old scripts that no longer serve you. You will learn how to have more self-compassion for your younger self and all that you were able to do to protect yourself then. Remember, it was likely in a relationship that you were wounded, so it may be through a relationship that you find healing. You and your partner can build trust and safety with each other, learning to live together in the here and now.
Have patience with the process. It takes time to understand how your past experiences play out in your present-day interactions. Give yourself and each other grace as you continue to learn and better understand yourself and each other. Your relationship will grow stronger, and you and your partner will have a deeper and more meaningful connection.
* Please be sure to work with a licensed therapist individually or as a couple if you’re finding it hard to let your defenses down, if any of this was particularly triggering, or if you’re experiencing ongoing symptoms, such as flashbacks, nightmares, dissociating, intrusive thoughts, etc. And know that you can always call/text 988, or call 911 or go to your local ER if you need immediate help. *
