Making Relationships Work: Connection

Life gets busy.  We feel stressed.  We feel tired.  

In the typical ebbs and flows of our seasons of life, we can find ourselves pulling back, reserving small bits of energy where we can.  Lacking adequate nurturing, it can tend to be our most intimate relationships that bear the brunt of what life throws at us. 

You, likely, are with your partner because at one point you enjoyed their company, you laughed with each other, talked with each other, held each other, supported each other.  You felt connected.  

Now…

When your partner enters the room where you are at home, do you smile because you’re glad to see them?  

When your partner shares a part of their day, do you show interest?  

When your partner lets you know that they’ve been feeling anxious, frustrated, hurt, do you offer support? 

Life, stress, tiredness can make it challenging to save some of ourselves for our partner.  We forget in the hustle of life that we still have to nurture our most meaningful connections.  

The building blocks of your relationship consist of the small, everyday moments. You have the opportunity to turn toward, turn away, or turn against bids for connection that your partner makes.  In John Gottman’s research, couples that stayed married turned toward one another 86% of the time; couples that divorced turned toward one another an average of 33% of the time. 

What’s exciting about the statistics is that it shows there is something you can do today to significantly change the direction of your relationship.  

Bids for connection can be verbal or nonverbal gestures.  Positive attempts at connection can look and sound like:  humor, affection, conversation, or support.  When you notice your partner’s bids for connection and turn toward, you build your relationship Emotional Bank Account.  The small, everyday moments are opportunities in your relationship for turning toward each other.  

Your positive or negative perspective on your relationship is determined by the quality of your turning toward moments and the health of your emotional bank account.  Your connection to your partner is foundational for your relationship and you as a person; we are built for connection.