Making Relationships Work: Conflict

Relationships are a lot of work!  Loving someone doesn’t mean there will never be hard times.  Hard times, the stresses of life, and our own histories will likely lead to conflicts within our relationships.  Conflict can look, sound, and feel a lot of different ways.  How we show up in our relationships, especially when there is conflict, is an indicator of the longevity of our relationship.  

When you’re in the heat of it all, what are your go-to tactics?  What patterns tend to be on repeat during your fights?

There are four communication patterns that John Gottman identified in his research called the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.  

Criticism

Contempt

Defensiveness

Stonewalling

These patterns can actually predict the end of a relationship.  Engaging in these communication patterns doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed.  Instead, it means you have an opportunity to replace these unhelpful patterns with healthy, productive patterns.  

The first unhelpful pattern is Criticism.  “You never offer to help me when you know I’m stressed.  You just sit in your chair and play on your phone.  You’re so selfish.”  Criticism is an attack on your partner’s character and who they are as a person.  Criticism is different from sharing a complaint.  “I felt upset last night when we didn’t have time to talk.  It would mean a lot if we could set aside at least 15 minutes every night to talk.” 

The next unhelpful pattern is Contempt.  This is when name calling, eye-rolling, ridicule, sarcasm, and disrespect show up in conflict.  When we hold onto negative thoughts about our partner and feel attacked by them during a conflict, contempt can become a pattern.  “You’re an idiot.  How could anyone think that would have worked?  Maybe next time you can think before you do whatever you want.” Contempt is the single greatest predictor of divorce.

Another unhelpful pattern is Defensiveness.  When we feel attacked, reacting with “Why didn’t you do it?  You should have known I was busy.  This is your fault” points the blame away from us.  When we are defensive, we don’t take responsibility for our part and we aren’t fully listening to what our partner is saying.

The final unhelpful pattern is Stonewalling.  Withdrawing, shutting down, or no longer responding to your partner are ways stonewalling shows up.  It can be a result of feeling flooded.  Knowing when we or our partner is physiologically flooded is important during conflict, because we don’t think rationally when we are flooded.  If you notice this happening for you, taking a break/“time-out” from the discussion will allow you the space to do something calming so you can revisit the conversation later when you’re ready. 

Since conflict is unavoidable, how we manage it can predict the failure or success of our relationship.  

Talk about your feelings using “I” statements and ask for what you need (instead of saying what you don’t want).  

Find ways to appreciate each other and express gratitude.

Accept that you and your partner may not agree on everything, and that’s okay.  Own your part of the conflict and apologize when you can.

Pay attention to your body and know the physiological signs that tell you it’s time to take a break.  Do something calming and relaxing. 

Use these tools to manage conflict in a healthy way.

And remember to practice compassion, especially for yourself!