Making Relationships Work: Infidelity and Trust

What causes someone to cheat?  How can two people, deeply in love and committed to each other, one day find their relationship filled with betrayal, pain, anger, and uncertainty?

We don’t want to believe someone we care about could treat us in such a way, like we don’t matter.  Or, maybe we don’t want to own the fact that we cheated on someone we love and someone we were supposed to be solely committed to forever.  

So how do we make sense of it?

Most relationships don’t change overnight.  Affairs don’t happen “out of nowhere.”

Typically, infidelity begins with many small events that erode at the trust we have in our relationship, like harsh weather eating away at the side of a cliff.  These “turning away” moments might look like our partner not asking about why we look sad, not responding to questions as simple as “what did you think about that show last night?”, not greeting us when we arrive home, not sitting with us at dinner because they need to finish responding to their work emails.  And the list goes on. 

Missing opportunities to connect with our partner feels dismissive to them; they feel invisible, unseen, uncared about.  When we are no longer seen, we start to feel out of sync and alone. 

As negativity begins to fill the relationship, natural and healthy conflict becomes painful and may even be avoided.  If we aren’t communicating with our partner or sharing our experiences, we aren’t able to make repair attempts or reconnect.  

Further driving a wedge, we begin comparing our relationship to others and we start to paint the picture that allows us to make sense of something that we don’t understand.  Everyone else gets along with their partner.  Their spouse is always cooking them dinner and helping with the evening routine.  Why can’t my partner initiate intimacy, ask how my day was, sit next to me and hold my hand, surprise me with flowers, rub my back without asking… We start believing we’re missing something. 

When boundaries become blurred, you give yourself permission to seek what you’re missing outside of your relationship.

Infidelity is not one size fits all.  There are many variations of how infidelity comes about in a relationship.  Many times, though, it begins with the crumbling of the walls and foundation we’ve built our relationship on. 

Made known, infidelity can be something partners work through together.  It’s never easy and it doesn’t happen over night, but a “second marriage” between partners can be built.  Couples can learn how to rebuild trust and commitment in their relationship, they just need some new tools to do it with! 

If you’d like to learn more about Gottman Method Couples Therapy, please reach out!